Four million African-Americans were freed from slavery due to a Union victory in the Civil War. The Solomon Island Leaf Frog has no tadpole stage but emerges from the egg as a fully-formed froglet. There are ten semitones in a diminished seventh, Joseph Glidden invented barbed wire in the late nineteenth century, and David Tennant played the Doctor for three seasons of Doctor Who.
...And you're probably wondering about now why on Earth I have just supplied you with a string of mildly interesting but almost certainly useless facts. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. These facts are meant to have the same effect as a magician's flash of light or colored puff of smoke: I would like to distract you from what is actually going on here.
"What is actually going on here, Naddie?" you say. Well, dear reader, in response to your excellent question, you may have noticed that I haven't posted in a little while. Ok, fine, a large while. I had an excellent arsenal of excuses all ready to go, but I have decided to spare you the tedium of the precise nature of my procrastination and instead educate you with useless facts while simultaneously distracting you from my laziness. Two birds with one stone!
Oh, don't worry. I actually do intend to include some worthwhile content in this post, not only distractions, excuses and similes. And no, I'm not posting the waltz I wrote. Not yet. I still haven't figured out how to imbed a sound clip in a post (if you haven't guessed by now, my talents lie outside the perplexing realm of computers and technology). The waltz will have to wait a little longer. However, I recently became very bored quite late at night and the following writing resulted:
Six Good Reasons Why Every Room in Every House Ought to Have Two Trash Cans
1. You don't have to take out the trash so dreadfully often.
2. Each trash can needs another trash can to talk to. This is important. It can get to be terribly lonely, sitting there day after day while everyone's filling you up with trash. Only another trash can can really understand and sympathize with a trash can. Sometimes a really good actor wearing a convincing enough costume can do it, but it should be noted that this is not a good substitute for getting a second trash can for each room because most actors will not put up with sitting still all day while people throw things away in them.
3. If one of your trash cans gets burnt to ashes because some idiot thought it would be good fun to throw away a lighted match, then you've got a spare can all ready to go.
4. If you have to throw away something really big, you can cut it in half and share it between the two cans. Teamwork!
5. If you have a sudden urge to play a game of indoor soccer, pour out the trash from one can into the other. Then proceed to kick the empty can around the room until the game ends or you get bored or dizzy or all three.
6. If you are confronted with a bare light bulb, if you're at a New Year's party, or you find yourself for any other reason in need of an emergency lampshade, empty one trash can into another as discussed in reason #5. Then place the empty can on the light bulb or head. Note: This only works with lamps and cans that are of compatible sizes. Please do not attempt to place a very large trash can on an average-sized human head.
And thus I shall conclude this long-ish post. I hope to be able to post more often now, as many of my scholastic commitments this year have ended or are soon to do so.
~Naddie Boyne
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